Letter To Jon Clee

Dear Jon,

Yesterday marked 4 years since you left us. I can't believe it's really been that long. Feels like only yesterday I saw you in that hospital bed to say goodbye. I couldn't even say anything the whole time I was there. I just let Leah and Carl Morris talk whilst I watched your arm twitch every now and then like you were going to wake up. But you never woke up, and I feel so stupid and guilty that I didn't use that time to say something to you.

I would have said how annoyed I was at you sometimes for being so competitive about records with Carl Rylatt. He'd be so jealous when you'd reveal your latest find, that he'd desperately try to find something to top it!

Or how truly chuffed I was when you told me you really liked my photos. That meant such a lot coming from you. I would have told you how inspirational your work was to me, and to Carl. The Acid Mother's Temple poster is still one of the most astoundingly wonderful images I've ever seen.
There were so many things I could have said to you, but I just couldn't get it out. When we left the ward, I just collapsed in the corridor and couldn't stop crying. Nothing would stem the flow of those tears.

That day was the first time I'd ever seen Carl cry. We hugged in the waiting room for what felt like an eternity, and I never wanted to let him go. You had such a huge impact on our lives. Greenman that year was all about you, Jon. We all sat in the cinema tent watching a tribute to you. It made Carl really happy, and made me realise how much he meant to me. I asked him to marry me right there.

A lot of things have happened in my life since then. Some wonderful things, some not so great. I still mourn the loss of my 2 unborn children (I was determined to find a way of getting Clee as a name if we'd had a boy!), and it still makes me sad that me and Carl never made it in the end. I felt like he was my connection to you, I guess, and I worry that I'll be forgotten by everyone.

But great things have happened too. I met Dave, who is now my fiancé, at a very dark time in my life. I fell into such a deep depression in the months after splitting up with Carl, that I came really close to ending it all. But then I met Dave, and my whole world changed. He made me feel alive again, and I was truly happy. We've been together 10 months now and he has stood by me through a lot of tough times. He's ignited that spark in me that I thought I'd lost forever, and he makes me so happy. (He's an artist, too - you'd really dig his work)

So a lot has happened in these 4 years. And even though you're not with us anymore, you are in our thoughts forever. Every year on the 21st May, I wear something pink in tribute to you. This year, I also listened to 'The Witch' as it always reminds me of you. I swear I almost saw you dancing to that once. I spent last night in Chapter with Laura, and we recounted many tales of you. We also got incredibly drunk, as I think will be the way for many more years yet!

I miss you Jon Clee. You were one of the good guys, and I don't think I'll ever get over the fact that you were taken from us so cruelly. I hope your partying with Elvis now, wherever you are.

Love Nay -x-